I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to tote my 3-month-old daughter to the Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Orlando. Actually... To be honest, I know exactly what I was thinking:
I can do this. Some moms probably couldn't do it. But I can. And I will. My kid is mellow because I maintain an impressively peaceful home. Plus, I'm up for a challenge. We can make this work. I'll take notes and bring back barrels of wisdom for our women at Sojourn. They will all be so impressed, so inspired, and so encouraged. I can do this, and I can do it well.
You can probably guess where this is going.
The pre-conference on Friday was a breeze! Adelyn slept through the first panel, ate during the second, and played quietly during Dr. Carson's address. Ladies sitting behind us commented on how adorable and well-behaved she was. We were off to a beautiful start, and I had the notes to prove it.
But it was all a downward spiral from there. Saturday was nothing short of a disaster. Only a few minutes into Paige Brown's plenary session, I realized I had accidentally laced my daughter's breastmilk with baby shampoo (its a long and pitiful story). I called my husband to tearfully and dramatically confess that I had poisoned our daughter.
What was I thinking coming here? I can't do this.
Finally a bit of truth.
It gets better. Aunt Flo paid an unexpected visit. And due to the geriatric closing hours at the gift shop (Thanks, Florida...), I watched John Piper's address from the hotel room via livestream while wearing one of Addy's diapers. Utter humiliation.
Between every-three-hour feedings, a new distaste for naps, and Adelyn's overall neediness, I was unable to fully engage in any one session throughout the remainder of the conference. As the weekend progressed, bitterness and resentment toward my daughter began to swell in my heart as I clung tightly to my idol of self-sufficiency. This "other god" was not performing as promised. I was empty and utterly exhausted.
My dilemma was (and is) more than naive idealism. I want to do things well because I want to prove myself worthy and honorable. I want to convince myself and others that I'm a good wife and mother. I want to be good and faithful in the eyes of God, my husband, my child, and my church. And that's not inherently sinful.
But too often my desire to please is rooted in a deep need for the approval of man (Gal. 1:10) and an arrogant refusal to depend on my true Sustainer (1 Cor. 1:8). It also often becomes the root of comparison, resentment, and insecurity. Especially for us women.
Paul says to me, "Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life" (2 Cor. 3:4-6).
I daily need to be reminded that it is the atoning work of Christ that makes me acceptable to God (Ephesians 2; Romans 3:23-26). Though I strive to be pleasing, Jesus was pleasing on my behalf (Isaiah 53). Though I work hard to be found worthy and honorable, Jesus was "holy, innocent, unstained, separate and exalted" (Hebrews 7:25-26).
God has met my greatest need (and my deepest desire) fully and forever in the perfection of Christ.
Do you struggle to rest in the confidence and sufficiency we have already been given through Christ? Do you believe, at this very moment, that He has made you competent as a minister of the gospel? Let us confess and repent before one another, remembering that God is able to meet our every need fully in Christ (James 5:16; Phil. 4:19).
True rest in God's provision produces joy that overflows into great praise. We are free to love and serve from His grace rather than for the approval of others (and ourselves) when we stop trying to manufacture our sufficiency through our own efforts. I'm a more loving mother when Adelyn is no longer a threat to my self-sufficiency. I'm able to care for her, love her, and meet her needs without resenting her for exposing my weakness.
My experience at the conference was certainly not what I expected. Just when it seemed to be a (very expensive) waste, God spoke to me what I needed to hear most. When we left on Sunday my notebook may have been empty, but my heart was full.
